Tales of the Geeky Vixen

Not entirely true, but a little. This weekend one of my best friends from college got married. It's been a good 2 years since I've talked to her, and I gotta say it's weighed pretty heavy on my mind. I met my core group of friends in 1998 (!), and we were inseparable pretty much until a couple of years ago. We went dancing at Gatsby's (which doesn't even exist anymore), on random road trips, ate together, slept together, visited each other at work, crammed for exams, "buck danced" at the Carter Fold, fell in love and out of love with each other, got mad, made up, took sides, watched each other graduate, and eventually one day, we all did. Then one by one, we moved away, got married, had a kid, and moved on with our lives. We kept in touch, but I've never been one to do well with keeping up with anyone other than my family and close (in proximity) friends.

Then something happened. I became friends with my husband's friends. Sure, some of them were connected to my friends (which was weird, considering how many times my husband and I should have met before we did), but most of them were new friends. And these guys had more in common with me than my own friends. Don't get me wrong; some of my friends and I had similar interests, but there was this one big knot that tied us all together: school. When we started getting together after college, we talked about the present for a little while, but eventually conversation turned to "Remember when?". There's nothing wrong with that, but when that's the most meaningful thing you have to say to a person who's supposed to be your best friend, what does that mean? I eventually got married, and for some reason just stopped trying to get in touch with my old life. Now I'm reaping what I've sown.

I take full responsibility for the way things are, but I think they should too. A stupid fight last fall made things weird, but I think things were weird way before that.

I guess it's just foreign territory for me. When I was a kid, I was always "the new kid", so I never really thought about long-term friendships. I had my immediate family, and I made friends at school, knowing that when the school year was over, we'd move to a new city and a new school. Then in 5th grade, up until high school, I had to spend time with the same people. I made friends, mostly casual, a couple really close, and one to this day that I still come in contact every once in a while. Incidentally, my closest friends? Guys. I'm much better at getting along with guys. I'm not good at girly relationships. Honestly? Most girls intimidate me. I'm not super girly, at least not with most of my interests, so I feel silly talking about what I like. Just like I was ashamed of being smart when I was in school (up until college, anyway). I guess I'm still afraid there's going to be that one girl that says something judgmental. And when it happens, I don't know how to take it. I go right back to being the chubby smart kid that the cheerleader made fun of in 7th grade--the girl who slumped down in her chair and went home and cried.

There, I said it. Even the Geeky Vixen has an Achilles' heel. While I'm confident about most every aspect of my life most of the time, I have days like today. Days where I regret that one of my best friends from college got married, and I found out about it on myspace.

Song of the moment: "Paranoia in B-flat Major", Avett Bros.

Here are the lyrics (the ones I'm feeling, I'll put in green):

I keep tellin’ myself that it’ll be fine
You can’t make everybody happy all of the time
I found myself in a place that I never been
A place that I thought that I would never be
There’s people looking back at me

I keep having this dream; I’m at a party
There’s people throwing drinks and screaming telling me that I don’t belong
Lately life’s been the same I find this comfortable place
With all my friends then my friends start telling me that I’ve always been wrong
And I’m so tired of being wrong

There was a time I could move there was a time I could breathe
The crowded spaces filled with angry faces
It didn’t once cross my mind
With paranoia on my heels; Will you love me still
when we awake and you find that the sanity has gone from my eyes?

I got secrets from you, you got secrets from me
Because you’re so worried about what I’m gonna to think,Baby I’m worried too
But if love is a game, girl, then you’re gonna win
I’ll spend the rest of my life bringing victory in
If you want me to